You’re getting a what? A dog?? You’ve got to be kidding me! When? WHY? Surely you jest! Do you have any idea what those…those…those ANIMALS are like? I don’t think you do. You may have heard that they are cute and cuddly, but I’m here to tell you, it all a lie!
I’ve heard terrible things about them. They get into your trash and strew it all over the house, they chew up your shoes (even the one I like to sleep in), and it will eat MY food! Have you thought this through? It isn’t going to work, believe me.
They drive you crazy, always wanting to be petted, and they have to go outside to use the bathroom. In and out, in and out, all day long! And the fleas! They ALL have big, huge fleas. I’ve heard that some of the fleas are as big as a cat!
Oh, and they smell funny. Especially when they’re wet. And they don’t even care! They never bother to clean themselves.
They wear big collars with huge spikes on them. Why would anyone need spikes on their collar, unless it’s to poke someone with? Like maybe me!
And they hate cats! They chase us up trees and then bark incessantly and won’t let us down. Why would you want someone in here that hates cats? What have you been smoking?
I just can’t believe you’re thinking about doing this. You know it will try to sleep in My bed and play with MY toys.
No, no, no! I just can not allow this to happen.
I’m going to go sharpen my nails now, so I can fight this dog off.
On your favorite couch.
I’ll show him who’s boss around here!